My parents were divorced when I was 12 years old(6th grade) and my mother remarried.
I remember never liking her husband.
I don't remember alot of things from those years.
I remember moving out of town to a small trailer park and that's where they got married. And that's where the real him started to show.
He never worked and drank all of the time.
I remember the first time he beat my mother. I remember watching him standing over her, hitting her. Me and my brothers in my bedroom. She just laid there, couldn't get away. I yelled for him to stop and he came up to me and smacked me across the face.
What I don't remember about this is that for 3 days is that my mother was unconscience for three days. He didn't take her to the hospital. And we told people the bruises and cuts were from a car wreck.
There are so many times he beat my mother. I don't remember them...just this one.
The sexual abuse started when I was 12 years old. In that little trailer. It was a very small 2 bedroom. My brothershad to sleep in the livingroom on a fold out bed. My bedroom was in the front, and my mother's was in the back.
Everyone was in bed except the husband. He was watching tv.
I woke up with him next to me. I don't remember where he was touching me, I just know that he was and I screamed and he ran out of my room.
I heard one of my brothers ask what was wrong and he said I had had a nightmare.
From then on I slept with a small knife under my matress. I never used it but to this day I wished I had.
That's when the grooming started.
I got my monthly soon after. He decided since I was now a woman I had to shave my legs.
I came home from scholl one day and he gave me a razor and told me how to do it and to go and do it.
I did. I was 12 years old and shaving my legs. I felt very pretty and grown up.
He must've thought so too.
I remember seeing a puppy I wanted that his brother had. She was so small, white, and fluffy. I fell in love with her. I don't remember how it happened exactly but I know i begged my mom to let me have her - he said I could. She was the best thing that happened to me during those years. I named her Princess. She was always there for me, knew when I was upset and she kept my secrets.
I don't remeber any more abuse at the trailer. I don't know if he beat my mom anymore there or tried to touch me.
A funny thing, I can remember the blizzard of '78, but not Christmas that year.
We moved back home, I don't remember when this happened. Home was a tract house that my grandparents owned. They had bought a trailer and moved next door years before, and the house is where my family lived. It wasn't a house fit to live in. The attic floor in one of the bedrooms had fallen in, so we just put a blanket over the doorway and used it as a storage. The walls everywhere were coming apart at the seams, literally. I remember in one spot right behind the heater ( a big coleman stove type deal) you could look right outside through the corner. And there was no heating system, just the one room heater in the livingroom. This was my home - I had alot of happy childhood memories here - before the divorce and the nightmare started. But he married my mom and took the safety and alot of my memories away.
At this point, is when things are fuzzy and jumbled for me. I don't remember most of the time we were living back home. I thought I would be safer being close to my family and friends. I was wrong.
This is where he threatened me. How? I don't know, I just remember my mom was mentioned, and the word kill was mentioned, but not sure if he threatened her, me, or if he said it would kill her to find out. But he did and I was scared.
More grooming happened the first year we had moved back. I got everything that I wanted that year for Christmas, everything! Even though we were really poor, I had everything I wanted and the best clothes from the best store in town.
The very summer back at the house, he got a mirror for my bedroom, claiming every teen girl had to have a mirror in their bedroom. No one argued with him. He hung it from my wall, slanted. You could see everything in my room, it wasn't a big room. Including my bed.
I found he was watching me through my window and mirror, and some of the things he made me do made sense to me then. We couldn't afford curtains and didn't have any blankets or sheets to spare to use. I never got dressed or undressed in that room again.
Depression hit me hard one of the summers, not sure which year it was. I would watch everyone go to work through my bedroom window, wishing they wouldn't. I go and spend the day at the sitting in the one chair we had. I always worre jeans and a sweater. They covered me so he wouldn't have anything to look at. It didn't work. That was a long summer. I didn't go anywhere but to the park or to my grandparents house next door. And I didn't want my friends at my house, so I didn't see them that summer. Even at the park I didn't really talk with anyone, it was just a place to go to get away from him till my mom got home. There was diffent signs showing that year that something was wrong, but we all were too afraid and they didn't notice, thought it was just a faze that had something to do with puberty.
I remember now how I disassociated myself from the abuse when it was happening, I think this is also how I lost soo much of my childhood memories. I would always demand the light be on, no matter the time of day(and it was always during the day that I can remember). Then I would just get motionless and stare at that bulb.
One time he was in jail; work release; for something, and he brought home three guys to meet me. He demanded that I go out with them, I did two of them, they were nice, and shocked when they found out I was only 14 years old. I refused to go out with the third, he scared me. Now, I wonder why he demanded I go with them, what did he get out of this? And I wonder if the two I did go out with, if they got back whatever it was they gave to go with me, because they didn't get their money's worth.